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1 - Never walk without a document in your hands.

People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

2 - Use computers to look busy.

Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat, and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss -- and you will get caught -- your best defence is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.

3 - Keep a messy desk.

Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like we're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

4 - Use voice mail.

Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing -- they call because they want you to do work for them. That's no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice-mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they're not there -- it looks like you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel.

5 - Look impatient & annoyed.

One should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.

6 - Leave the office late.

Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out. Send important e-mail at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35 p.m., 7:05 a.m., etc.) and during public holidays.

7 - Use sighing for effect.

Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure.

8 - Opt for the stacking strategy.

It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc. (thick computer manuals are the best).

9 - Build your vocabulary.

Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember; they don't have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.

10 - Don't get caught.

MOST IMPORTANT: Don't forward this page's URL to your boss by mistake!

George Costanza's 10 Commandments for 'Working Hard'

1 - Never walk without a document in your hands.

People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

2 - Use computers to look busy.

Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat, and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss -- and you will get caught -- your best defence is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.

3 - Keep a messy desk.

Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like we're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

4 - Use voice mail.

Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing -- they call because they want you to do work for them. That's no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice-mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they're not there -- it looks like you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel.

5 - Look impatient & annoyed.

One should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.

6 - Leave the office late.

Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out. Send important e-mail at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35 p.m., 7:05 a.m., etc.) and during public holidays.

7 - Use sighing for effect.

Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure.

8 - Opt for the stacking strategy.

It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc. (thick computer manuals are the best).

9 - Build your vocabulary.

Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember; they don't have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.

10 - Don't get caught.

MOST IMPORTANT: Don't forward this page's URL to your boss by mistake!

Return of the guest blogger

If you remember a few months back, I had a post titled There’s a baby in the house when baby Deacon (and mommy) came to visit the King casa.  Well, guess who’s back?  Yep, you guessed it!  The only guest blogger ever to post content (although it was gibberish – much like most of my postings) on Tis Gar Plen.  Mommy and Deacon decided to grace us with their presence this week, allowing us to host them in their ‘vacation’ in Oklahoma.

This is the third picture of Deacon on my blog, the first being in the New Baby Announcement and the second in the June post referenced above.  As mentioned in June, this kid is all muscle, and I’m not talking table muscle.  While he doesn’t have the balance to walk yet, this youngster was pulling up to the standing position several weeks ago and is wanting to start running all over the house.

I found out after they had left for the airport that I had missed a very moving piano recital performed by Deacon earlier in the week.  I wish I had known he was such a virtuoso, as I would have asked him to play a tune or two for me.

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Police Find Meth in Man's Prosthetic Leg

The Associated Press
Sep 28, 2006 4:10 PM

JAY, Okla. - Sheriff's deputies have arrested a Grove man on drug charges after finding crystal methamphetamine inside his prosthetic leg. Larry Clinton Harper, 64, was arrested at his business, Harper's Used Cars and Body Shop, last week.

During a search, deputies found drugs inside a sock-like covering inside Harper's prosthetic leg, said Delaware County Sheriff's Capt. Larry Barnett.

"They just tumbled out, and he just laughed," Barnett said. "He said he thought he was pulling the wool over our eyes, but we had the last laugh."
The arrest followed successful drug buys from Harper's business, Barnett said.

My first two thoughts when I read this report:
1. Oklahoma doesn't have prosthetic parity laws, so he was trying to make enough to buy a new leg
2. I wonder if the police confiscated the leg as a result of the Ricco laws (vehicle used in the transport of drugs)

Note: Prosthetic parity laws are ones that require insurance companies to provide appropriate prosthetic care as needed

Two weeks from today is one of the major "daddy-daughter dates" of 2006! Sarah and I will be taking a road trip to Enid to help out with an 89.7 The House (radio station) concert featuring BarlowGirl. This will be the third BarlowGirl concert Sarah and I would have attended in the past couple of years. Sarah normally helps out as a volunteer with World Vision type of tables. I, on the other hand, work security for the artists, so this will be third time I have got to hang out with the Barlow sisters and their parents.

 

I am awful with song lyrics, unless I have the chance to read the lyrics as I listen to the song the first several times. Since I like to put together websites, I took a few minutes to put together a "BarlowGirl Lyrics" site at http://manna4all.net/bg-lyrics. Take a peek at it if you like, and even listen to some of the sample clips I found at BarlowGirl website.

 

14 days and counting........

International "Talk Like a Pirate Day" was yesterday

Haven't you heard that "Talk Like a Pirate Day" falls on September 19th every year? I had, but I completely forgot about it until the end of the day so I wasn't able to share the joy with all those around me. I am on one particular joke email list that I receive as a digest once a day. The digest I received this morning (of yesterday's messages) was full of pirate jokes. The best one had to be:

A man walks into a pet store and says, "I'm playing Long John Silver in the play Treasure Island, and I'm looking for a parrot. Can you sell me one?"

The pet store owner says, "You don't want a real parrot, it'll squawk all the time and poop on your shoulder, and what if it falls off during the play?"

The man says, "Well, I want to be as realistic as possible."

The pet store owner says, "I've got a stuffed parrot you can use. Can you pick it up on Thursday?"

"Oh, I can't come on Thursday. That's when I'm getting my leg cut off."

Let's say I break into your house......

A lady wrote the best letter in the Editorials in ages!! It explains things better than all the baloney you hear on TV. Recently large demonstrations have taken place across the country protesting the fact that Congress is finally addressing the issue of illegal immigration. Certain people are angry that the US might protect its own borders, might make it harder to sneak into this country and, once here, to stay indefinitely. Let me see if I correctly understand the thinking behind these protests.

Let's say I break into your house. Let's say that when you discover me in your house, you insist that I leave. But I say, "I've made all the beds and washed the dishes and did the laundry and swept the floors; I've done all the things you don't like to do. I'm hard-working and honest (except for when I broke into your house).

According to the protesters, not only must you let me stay, you must add me to your family's insurance plan, educate my kids, and provide other benefits to me and to my family (my husband will do your yard work because he too is hard-working and honest, except for that breaking in part).

If you try to call the police or force me out, I will call my friends who will picket your house carrying signs that proclaim my right to be there. It's only fair, after all, because you have a nicer house than I do, and I'm just trying to better myself. I'm hard-working and honest, um, except for well, you know.

And what a deal it is for me!! I live in your house, contributing only a fraction of the cost of my keep, and there is nothing you can do about it without being accused of selfishness, prejudice and being an anti-housebreaker.

Oh yeah, and I want you to learn my language so you can communicate with me!!

Why can't people see how ridiculous this is?! Only in America....

if you agree, pass it on (in English).

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Surgeon General's warning:

Not smoking will cause you to live 15 years after you've stopped being useful.

students are back in town

... and the traffic is awful. Check out this video (2.8MB in size, but worth it)

amputee

Here is another benefit of being an amputee … if you like a firm pillow, you always have one available.

Follow-up note When sharing this with a co-worker, he replied:

"...with that in mind, maybe you should purchase the pillow top leg"
I just had to include that here

ain't it the truth

ok heat

monoploy money

Have you heard the latest in Visa’s rush to get in front of kids via product/name placement? How about doing away with the cash in the Monopoly game and replacing it with an electronic banking system? That is the case in the latest version of the game being distributed in the United Kingdom. The new card, which resembles a debit card, is inserted into a small plastic reader/writer that can display and update the balance on the card. Traditional money is gone altogether, though purists can still purchase the original version.

Look at the bright side, now you don’t have to worry about the honesty of the banker!

You can always print your own Monopoly money if need be, and it would make great wrapping paper if you like.

URL Quiz

When you have a minute ot two, look through these web addresses. Try to figure out what you think the site would be about .. then visit it to see if you are right:

www.whorepresents.com

www.expertsexchange.com

www.penisland.net

www.therapistfinder.com

www.molestationnursery.com

www.ipanywhere.com

www.cummingfirst.com

www.speedofart.com

www.gotahoe.com

I'm just curious .... how many did you get right?

AAA ride

In case you read the Amputees Across America journal for July 03, I want to shed some information from my perspective. Regarding:

After outlasting Johnny, Gary, AJ, Joe, one blown out tire, one broken seat, 496 miles, 82.4 hills, and a bike with jacked up gears, Ron is getting ready to ride bike # 4.

I started out the morning ride on my new bike, and it was operating flawlessly. Gears were changing smoothly, brakes weren't dragging, safety lights flashing twice per rotation, etc. However, somewhere along the way I picked up a small nail which caused my rear tire to slowly loose air. Instead of taking the time to fight with removing the rear wheel, changing or patching the tube and then re-install the wheel, Joe allowed me to get one of the spare (old) mountain bikes out of the trailer. I rode that bike for about a mile while trying to get the gears to respond, all with no luck.

Since Johnny V had already called it a day (had a sore spot starting under his socket), I decided to jump on the bike he had been riding (another older spare bike of Joe's). The gears worked fine and off AJ and I rode. All was going well and we had a few good miles behind us when we started to head up a hill. The handlebars on the bike had 'bush guards' on them, which would work as additional grip locations so I decided to use them. As they were higher up and it would allow me to sit more upright, I leaned back. When I repositioned myself on the seat, the seat post snapped in half just below where the seat was connected. Since I was pedaling, the bike ended up being propelled out from under me and into the roadway. Needless to say, I landed rather hard on my tailbone, as well as both palms since I put my hands behind me to catch myself. We were riding on the shoulder, but I knew we had cars approaching from both ahead and behind. As soon as I could, I rolled off the shoulder and into the grass in case any of the cars approaching from behind swerved right to avoid my bike which was in front of them (which none of them did).

After gathering the bits and pieces of the bike, we decided to take a short break where we were. The only real noticeable injury I had was a sizable piece of skin sliced off the end of my left thumb (the picture near the bottom of the journal page doesn't do it justice). After downing a bottle of Gatorade, I asked Gary, our AK rider, if I could borrow his bike for the rest of the day, to which he agreed.

As a result, the following was the closing paragraph in the journal that day:

And the cheese stands alone, showing his wounds received while surviving one flat tire, a bike change, non functioning gears on a second bike, and an exploding seat on a third, putting him thumbs down on the pavement. Our Energizer Bunny takes it all in stride, jumps on a fourth bike and continues riding on and on and on and on... Where did this guy come from. Probably some Tibetan power camp for space robobikers. Tomorrow is another day. Hopefully, we will have enough bikes for him to demolish if we can't slow him up with flats, chain ring sabotage or another exploding seat. Hey Ron, it's great to have you with us.

You just gotta love the way they write those journal entries!

last week

Day one ride:

AAA Journal - 03 July

Duncan Banner - news story
Day Two ride:

AAA Journal - 04 July
Day three visits:

AAA Journal - 05 July
Day four visits:

AAA Journal - 06 July

Dallas News - news story
Day five visits:

AAA Journal - 07 July

When I get a chance to get out from all the paperwork at the office, I will ty to provide some posts about some very interesting pieces of the week.

AudBlog